ezekiel
New Member
"I'm not a pessimist, even though I do think awful things are going to happen."
Posts: 15
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Post by ezekiel on Jan 3, 2013 16:14:42 GMT
I have out-lived my usefulness
Rejected to my loneliness
Discarded here upon the shelf
My only company, myself
It is a dreadful truth to see
To know that no-body wants me
Of this sad fact there is no doubt
Who'd want me now, I'm too worn out
Before me now my life is played
As I sit here with edges frayed
Each fibre of my being stretched
My misery in creases etched
Unravelling, I wonder why
It came to this, I start to cry
I long for peace in endless sleep
With eyes closed, off the cliff I leap
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Post by mcgoohan on Jan 5, 2013 22:38:52 GMT
Hi Ezekiel,
A sad poem. I feel you are writing about a person at the end of there life "I'm too worn out" but it could still be someone younger I guess also worn out emotionally.
I like the poem, it's very descriptive, you do feel for this person.
In answer to your critic of mine, you talked about rhyming.
If I had to make one very small criticism, and i find this with my songwriting and more so with my poetry, that with rhyming there can be a predictable word that rhymes and one not so much so. When a predictable rhyming word appears the poem loses a little weight or depth. Sometimes i've found this has happened because I have left a line too short before the rhyming word.
I was thinking maybe here.
It is a dreadful truth to see
To know that no-body wants me
However writing poetry at some level is a touch arbitary and in the eye of the reader as to whether it clicks with you or not.
The poem for me captures the moment in this persons life when they are at their most desperate and describes how this person feels extremely well.
You've covered a lot of worthy ground (in my humble opinion) within 4 verses.
I enjoyed your poem.
Cheers.
William
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ezekiel
New Member
"I'm not a pessimist, even though I do think awful things are going to happen."
Posts: 15
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Post by ezekiel on Jan 11, 2013 0:17:20 GMT
Thank you for your comments, William.
You managed to identify the one line I have never been quite happy with. It interupts the flow as the meter seems to miss a beat but I have never got around to sorting it out. They do say that a poem is never finished, only abandoned...
With regards the question of rhyming, in some of my later poems I have tried experimenting with a more free style. I may post some-thing on here later.
I'm glad you enjoyed reading my poem.
Regards,
Ezekiel.
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